Yesterday, I saw my outpatient nutritionist for this first time since April.
(Insert annoyed/angry/scolding remarks here)
I was working with someone else while I was in program but that doesn’t give me an excuse for why I had not returned to my regular dietician once I was let go.
Anyway, all that aside she sat back in her chair and looked at me in astonishment after our encounter.
“Where is the girl I used to know? This is either too good to be true or you are completely bull-s*itting me.”
I can assure you none of what I told her was malarkey, but she caught me at a good time.
ED apparently wasn’t feeling horrible about the decisions I made that day and I have a really fun weekend at Soundgarden Hall coming up, so my mind was more focused on seeing my friends and some seriously amazing trance acts, that the ED thoughts were relatively quiet.
Anyway, we got to talking about changes that have occurred in my life that could have potentially flipped the switch to me actually wanting to get better for ME, rather than only seeing her because my family basically forced it.
Off the top of my head I could think of a couple of things that have pretty much opened up my world; pho, music, dance and God. <—In no particular order, of course.
You might laugh at the first three, but let me explain…
There is one common denominator in those things that my very insightful nutritionist pointed out; FRIENDS…PEOPLE…being social and interactive with other human-beings.
Holy shmoly, you mean isolating alone with my treadmill is not fun?!
I can tell you for a fact, NO it is not fun, regardless of how much my distorted mind told me it was.
Anyway, she asked me about my experiences with Pho, since that is a very new food to me…
“It’s delicious…I eat it probably twice a week…it is the perfect food before going out…my friends and I really like to go together…you know, four number 70′s all around….”
Let’s analyze my statement…
I like Pho because it tastes good. It makes my body feel great and is awesome fuel before going to do an activity I love for the pure enjoyment of the beat, who I am with, and the passion of the DJ’s, not the caloric burn. I ALWAYS go with friends. We typically all order the same thing. No menu alterations, no weird-ass requests to not cook things in butter or oil, or to leave the noodles out…
That is a pretty good list of WHY Pho is quite possibly my new favorite food, but as my wonderful clinician pointed out, the key element to my words, was that it included my FRIENDS…people I trust and genuinely care about…people I do not feel judged by at all…
She made a suggestion:
Let’s make food fun!
Let’s make food fun by eating with my new-found friends, perhaps before one of our many epic evenings out. What a perfect scenario to challenge the last few things on my fear food list!
Obviously the point here is not about Pho, or any other specific food item, but more about the minute changes that can be made to make this process SOMEWHAT easier.
Friends, music, dance and prayer make it more tolerable for me.
I would love to explore these other elements in future posts, but for now, remember life is better when not spent completely alone.
Isolation is like a breeding ground for eating disorders, and so perhaps when I am struggling the most; when I really do not want to be around another person AT ALL, is when I need to reach out the most.
It sounds like my nutritionist is more like a therapist…and actually, kind of like a friend which I would not have any other way.
Happy Tuesday, everyone!! It is snowing here in the northeast so definitely a perfect day for Pho