Tag Archives: Health

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Not A Team Player

Ryan is a fantastic husband.

I don’t say that to brag or make people think, “oh how wonderful for CJ, she has a great man.”

I am saying it now more for my sake, to remind me that although it is important for me to get healthy for ME, it is also important for me to get healthy for US.

He and I are a team and so far I have been a pretty shi*tty teammate in this marriage.

In the back of my mind I knew/know this. The poor thing has put up with me being away from home about half our duration of being husband and wife.

And I have seen him put up with a lot…I mean I seriously tested the limits many times.

I don’t know if I ever told you all this but we knew I was going to Princeton hospital the day before I was actually to be admitted. You know how insurance is, that stuff takes forever.

Anyway, the morning/day before I left I was a freaking nightmare. I knew it was my last chance to use any ED behaviors that caused me comfort. And since my anxiety was sky-high, because I felt like I was being “forced” to go, I of course engaged in them all.

I wasn’t supposed to be running. My heart rate was on average, about a 35-40 bpm and I had some pretty serious cardiac issues, but that a.m. before I was to leave, I crept out of our bedroom, tip-toed out the door, gym clothes discretely packed in a bag, and went to my beloved treadmill.

My gym has a glass wall, basically, right next to the cardio equipment….

So I am running away, only about a mile into my soothing stride, music blaring, thinking how fabulous this all feels, and out of the corner of my eye I see a man with a hooded sweatshirt, sweatpants and a hat, casually stroll by the windows.

Oh sh*t!

Guess who.

He looked at me, shook his head and walked right back to his car, speeding away and not answering a single one of my calls or texts.

I did not get off the treadmill, of course, since I still had about an hour to go, but I did make the attempt to contact him and tell him it would be fine because I was going away tomorrow and it was the last time He would have to worry about any of this…

Was/Am I nuts?

The answer is, ABSOLUTELY!

I also had an incident on our one year anniversary trip that I am not so proud of, which you can read about in my past post “behind closed doors.”

Anyway…

Yesterday Ryan came to have lunch with me at school.

He sat down and sighed.

“What’s wrong hun? Are you ok?”

“No. I am tired.”

I knew what he meant. He wasn’t sleepy tired like he wanted a nap, he was tired of dealing with all that comes with living with me. (I should say merely existing with me)

We don’t go out. I am in bed early. Restaurants are pretty much out of the questions unless I pre-approve them. We don’t have other couples as friends anymore. And we cannot do any of the activities we used to like to do together because most of them involve some sort of physical activity.

I have taken ALL of that away.

Not to mention I look disgusting.

Contrary to what I may believe in my sick and twisted brain, Ryan, and really any other male I have talked to, is not particularly attracted to bone.

It isn’t fun to hug. It is hard to be intimate because the body tends to look more like a child than a woman. Clothes don’t necessary fit right. And sometimes I even look tired and sick, when I am feeling fine.

As you all know the past few weeks I have not done well. I kind of threw my meal plan out the window and just decided to take things into my own hands, which really was not a good idea, and it is starting to show.

For thirty minutes we discussed the frustrations of being a partnership and living with someone who is a pretty sucky companion.

He can help me all he wants. He can do his best to reframe, encourage and support, but unless I actually do what I am supposed to, recovery is kind of a wash.

As one of my commenters pointed out the other day, if I cant do it for me, the least I can do is think about all those I love, who hurt because I hurt, and who seriously just want what is best for ME.

They aren’t being selfish or conspiring to make me fat. They are just trying to keep me alive and give me a quality of life, while putting their lives on hold.

It is a shame I have been too consumed with myself to step up to the plate, but I really really REALLY need to join my team.

Please, someone, something, give me the strength to do so, because although I have spouted out positive words, or written posts about how I am going to change my ways, not much progress has been made.

I need to listen to my own advice…

Stop waiting for tomorrow and do it today, because life is way too short to procrastinate on a task that is SO important.

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I’m Listening Body

Oh Sunday.

Sometimes I feel like the five days of the work week go by so slowly and then Saturday rolls around and it passes at warp speed.

This weekend went especially fast because I literally slept the time away.

This is really weird for me because I normally am not very good at giving my body rest, but Friday, I came home from work to a husband that was sleeping on our couch (he is on night shift so technically this was his bedtime) and I decided to lay down right beside him.

For a glorious twenty minutes, until my dogs started barking like crazy at the delivery man, I took a mid-afternoon snooze that helped give me enough energy to prepare dinner and lay back down to sleep at about 8:30.

I woke up at my usual time, but crawled back in bed shortly thereafter, and actually SKIPPED zumba because I literally could not move fast enough to even think about dancing.

I believe Ryan was astounded when I told him I would be substituting my class for a boring old walk, but was happy to hear I actually honored my body’s request.

I repeated the same pattern of an early bedtime and no zumba this morning and proceeded to take another nap this afternoon.

This may sound like a very boring and unproductive weekend, and I will admit I feel the same way, but maybe this was a sign that I needed to slow down and take a break.

Almost every person in my office is sick and there is nothing wrong with letting yourself have some time to rejuvenate when you just aren’t feeling one hundred percent.

…..

I am saying all this for my sake, hoping that if I spell it out, I might actually start BELIEVING, or accepting it as the truth.

I have a really difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that I may have actually needed that amount of sleep.

Sleep, to me, has always seemed like a waste of time, when I could have been using those hours for something more important, like moving and burning calories!

I have an even harder time justifying eating a normal amount of food when my body didn’t technically “earn” the nourishment.

Ryan will cringe when he reads this because he absolutely detests when I say things like that.

He insists a person does not need to earn nutrition, it just simply requires it to function.

Regardless of activity our bodies are constantly working to keep us alive (which, duh, who doesn’t know that) and that although an increased amount of exercise on certain days may induce a need for more nutrients, that does not mean it needs a deficit in times of rest.

He can explain all his scientific facts to me a million times over.  I can even read them for myself, but when I am in an irrational mood, there is no changing my mind.

I am like a four-year old, focused on one gosh darn thing, and it doesn’t help when I am anxious and antsy because I have been sitting around for two days straight, with little distraction.

Logically I know my stomach did not blow up like a balloon over night, and I did not all of a sudden become an out of control person, but the point is, my brain becomes fixated on negative thoughts and has difficulty reframing.

Sometimes I am fabulous at changing my mindset, and others not so much, but what I am learning is that, it is ok to have these thoughts, as long as they do not translate into actions.

Which means, I need to expect and accept that there will be good days and bad; difficult body image moments, and some that aren’t as challenging, but that does not mean I have to jump on the treadmill, become even more exhausted by skipping some exchanges, or get down on myself because I wasn’t the best susie homemaker.

That being said, there are a few Top Chef episodes I need to catch up on, and my dogs look they need a little snuggle.

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the weekend!

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A Different Take On New Year’s Resolutions

I absolutely dread the time when Ryan transitions from his 12 hour day shift to nights.

To me it means a few hours of lonely time, trying to figure out what the heck to do to keep my mind off the negative body image thoughts that just wont go away lately, or the food I want to avoid eating tomorrow, the hate for 9 p.m snack, and definitely an earlier bed time because I just want to escape.

The above confession sounds pretty pathetic, huh?

I especially feel bad because so many of you have been tremendously supportive and expressed your pride in how well I had been doing.

I haven’t slipped terribly, but I think I mentioned last week that since my little bout with the stomach flu, I am wishing I could go back to my virus meal plan; meaning a smaller appetite.

I am not blaming my immense desire to restrict on having a bug. My temptation to go back to ED behaviors has way more to do with all the changes and upheavals occurring in the Weaber household, without a doubt, but that doesn’t mean that nagging negative voice isn’t with me pretty much every hour of every day.

So what does this mean for me? And how do I know I am not making progress in my recovery?

Warning signs are everywhere.

I am not sleeping, my weight gain has kind of stalled, I am bored and disinterested or have trouble concentrating and I am absolutely obsessing about food and exercise.

Hello, all these things are major red flags.

The first step I need to take, I actually just did. Outwardly saying I need assistance or acknowledging that there might be a bit of a problem.

Step number two, identify more specifically what is behind these maladaptive needs for ED behaviors and figure out how to “fix” or deal with it, minus acting on the unhealthy desires.

Let me pause here for a sec. because this is where I am running into a problem.

I know exactly what is causing my need for control and comfort. Like I said before, it is the multiple changes taking place, feeling overwhelmed, stress, fear…

Since I have been doing this for awhile I am pretty darn good at pin pointing what exactly is the driving force behind my little road blocks, BUT I run into some hardships when I can’t really do anything about them.

I cannot change that my mom sold her home.

I cannot change that Ryan has a work schedule that is sometimes difficult for me to handle.

I cannot change that he will be spending 3 weeks in Colorado come February.

The list goes on and on and on…

BUT what I can do is USE MY HEALTHY COPING STRATEGIES to alleviate boredom, which then translate into way too much negative self-talk, and I can ACCEPT that I have these feelings.

Accept?

I have written a ton on healthy coping strategies so I will definitely not bore you with that, today, but something I haven’t really mentioned much before is the need to STOP judging and acceptance.

Crying is weak. Anger is bad. Being sad is unproductive. You are a loser for being so emotional.

Do you know what those statements are?

Besides the fact that they are UNTRUE, they are also JUDGEMENTS…mean, inaccurate judgments that do not do any good for mental and emotional health.

So instead of me criticizing myself for crying or being a bit weapy, I need to actually sit and process how wiping a tear or the physical sensation of being tense from sobbing makes me feel, and work on being ok with it.

Then perhaps it is time to reframe and think about what I have to be grateful for, why I need to push through and actually FEEL these things rather than numb out on a treadmill that is exhausting my body.

This isn’t necessarily the “goals for 2012” entry some of you may have been expecting, but honestly, I try to set goals for myself every day. If once a year works for you, awesome, but I tend to forget the “resolutions” I set, 3 weeks into January. So for today, my objective is to engage in some self-care before I head back to work.

Read, make the traditional central PA New Year’s Day good luck meal of Pork and Sauerkraut, and maybe watch a little bit of DVRed trashy tv.

If I end up feeling sad later because I alone in my living room watching another Chopped marathon, so be it.

I hope you had a fabulous holiday, and I know you WILL have a happy, healthy, and whole, New Year! :-)

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The Best Part About Recovery

I have told you all before if you asked me last January what I did for fun or who I hung out with, the answer would consist pretty much only of family members.

The friendships I had in high school and college had faded, and the only people I ever really saw even remotely close to my age bracket were in hospital programs, so I led a very lonely, ED-filled existence.

As I have progressed in my recovery, however, my social schedule is becoming a little more full with activities that are healthy; specifically forging new relationships.

This is EASILY the best part of my journey, and I look forward the seeing my amazing Zumba girls on weekends, and am so grateful for any time I get to spend with some of the wonderful females I met at Healthy Living Summit.

Well this week has been pretty darn special, because as I told you Thursday I spent the afternoon with my little sis, and Friday, sandwiched between a few appointments, I hooked up with two of my absolute favorite ladies, Lauren and Karen.

The three of us are busy so we don’t get to see each other too often, but every time we do get together it is as if no time has gone by.  These are the type of friends I have always wanted and they have both been tremendously inspiring and supportive these past few months, so it was really nice to catch up and have a leisurely lunch after the stressful holiday season.

Now New Years Eve to me has always been my least favorite time for celebration.

I am not a night owl, I don’t drink, and even though I love to dance, clubs are PACKED full of people paying way too much for alcohol and having even more of it.  So I hate to be a cynic but I would so much rather have a small gathering of friends for this occasion, or enjoy quality time with my family.

(Am I a 90-year-old trapped in a 24-year-old body or what?)

Anyway, since Ryan did not work Christmas this year, he volunteered to work New Years Eve, which was fine with me because honestly, I totally planned on it being like any other night; book, movies, maybe some TV, odds and ends around the house, etc. but then about a month ago, at one of my Sunday morning Zumba classes, my instructor and friend Michelle announced there was going to be a NYE Zumbathon.

Excuse me?! NYE Zumbathon (and it is only 6:00-8:00 so I can still totally make my 9:30 bedtime haha) SIGN ME UP!

So tonight I will again be fortunate enough to spend some time with truly amazing friends, doing an activity I love, and starting 2012 off right.

I would say I had a pretty awesome few days.

If this is any preview as to how life can be minus a crazy addiction, health and recovery are sounding better and better.

Happy New Years Eve Everyone!! :-)

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The Aftermath of a Nutrition Appointment

Wednesday was my first nutrition appointment in 3 weeks! 3 whole weeks.

That may not seem like a big deal but I was actually excited to have a professional help rationalize my insane thoughts, food guilt and confirm the fact that my weight gain is not skyrocketing out of control.

Well I was excited until about 15 minutes into our session.

At first we were laughing, talking, celebrating some of my recent “accomplishments,” and then I told her about the wicked edema I was getting in my legs nearly every night, the belly bloat I was feeling pretty much non-stop, and the ginormous cravings I was having for the nuts I just purchased. When I got to the part where I was questioning the amount of nuts I was consuming (truth be told I ate nearly ½ cup yesterday morning!) when she assured me it was not too much, but that I was making great “progress.”

Whoa. Back up. What exactly does that mean?

Progress=Weight Gain in the recovery world and even though I know that is my ultimate goal I just broke down.

I must have stared out the window for a good thirty seconds, trying to hold back the flood gates that were about to emerge.

“CJ, you are doing great. What’s behind the tears?”

Poor dietician, now playing the role of a therapist too.

“I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to gain anymore weight. I’m not getting fat for me. I am doing it for Ryan.”

Here is the weird thing. There is truth in my statement. I really don’t want to gain anymore weight. I no longer look “sick,” am tired, excessively hungry, etc. I feel much better, aside from the water retention that causes more mental discomfort than anything, and I no longer restrict my calories when my body says its time to eat. In theory, I am out of the “danger” zone and have eliminated a lot of anorexic tendencies.

Before you go jumping all over me saying how long of a journey I still have, I am simply telling you what I AM FEELING.

Wednesday marked a very significant day in recovery for me, and at the risk of triggering anyone I will be pretty vague in this, but I reached my number; the biggest fear I face when I step on a scale.

Ryan knew this number would be extremely difficult for me to handle and when I got home from my appointment, quiet and solemn, he knew what it meant.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” I continued to furiously scrub a dish that was still in the sink from earlier that day.

“Can I have a hug?”

I let him put his arms around me but at first my body didn’t respond. I felt paralyzed because my mind was working in overdrive.

As my nutritionist pointed out, there was no need for me to focus on the integers when I should be celebrating that I went out to brunch with friends, I am saying yes to social engagements, making new friends, being allowed to do more physical activity, muscle is starting to show up in places that once looked like gaunt limbs. There are so many positives in my life right now that simply are not possible when one is entrenched so deeply with destructive thoughts and behaviors.

It took me a very long time to actually receive the information that both dietician and my husband were giving me; their pride for my achievements and how far I have come, the incentives to not being so unhealthy, the hope they have for my future, and how although I am probably feeling that everything in my entire body is probably saying “STOP EATING SO MUCH/EXERCISE MORE,” I cannot possibly give up now.

I am not going to lie to you today and tell you how I feel so much better, or that I can’t wait to keep eating and gaining and recovering galore, but I will tell you my thoughts are much less negative.

Initially when I heard of my “progress,” all I wanted to do was resort back to more safe foods, throw out every single container of those stupid nuts I bought the other day, stop trying to increase my fats, and essentially cut corners wherever I could, but I won’t. Six months ago I would have but today I will just be sad, miserable about my body-image, and go through the motions to “fake it ‘till I make it.”

I wish I had a more inspirational tale for you, but not every day is a rainbow. Recovery is not all smiles and woo hoos! It’s a lot of hard work, reframing and sucking it up until your brain finally starts working in a healthier manner. There are really ugly times, and the last two days has just been a period like that for me.

The pivotal number messed with my head; the discomfort I have pretty much non-stop is really triggering. But I will keep reminding myself the million reasons why I need to push forward and stop dwelling on the bulge over my pants so I can at least do what I have to in order to stay on track.

So please take away this:

  • You will not ALWAYS be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
  • You may not ALWAYS be able to effectively reframe the negative self-talk that occurs on a pretty regular basis.
  • Despite what you think, you do not necessarily have control over your body.
  • But you do have control over how you handle these things.
  • You can continue on the right path even if you don’t want to.
  • You can achieve health even when it seems so far away.
  • Just follow what you KNOW in your heart to be the RIGHT thing to do and EVENTUALLY it will get better.

Sorry to be so morbid on a Friday.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

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What I Wish I Knew Then

This October marked my third year of treatment for eating disorder recovery.
 
Although I now work primarily on an outpatient basis, it has still been a seriously long process of meeting with doctors, therapists, a nutritionist, time spent in hospitals, at residential facilities, and a physical/emotional rollercoaster that I would prefer to disembark sooner rather than later.
But I have to be realistic here. I have been battling disordered eating and unhealthy behaviors since I was seven years old. My journey is not and will not be over any time soon, but for the first time my path is positive. I have made great strides in accepting my changing body. My relationship with exercise has improved immensely, and I no longer run from the feelings that come up since I no longer use restriction and excessive running to escape. As my blog name insinuates, I am truly on my way to become “healthy, happy, and whole.”
As you can probably imagine, or know from experience, overcoming addiction is hard work. It is not a lovely walk in the park filled with sunshine and roses. Instead it is messy, and changing, filled with highs and lows, and although this can be VERY frustrating, it also presents an opportunity to grow, and learn. I can honestly say I would not be where I am in my recovery, a pretty darn positive place, without the many dark periods I have had. Without my past failures, I wouldn’t have been able to learn a ton of new skills that are super helpful in a life moving toward health.
So not that I am an expert or anything, because I still gain new information and insight every single day, I thought it might be helpful to share a few of my downfalls that kept me stuck resorting to destructive habits…
1.Dichotomous Thinking…
 
You may be more familiar with this as black and white thoughts….
 
I still struggle with not categorizing things as good and bad, especially food and exercise;
“Running for 60 minutes is good…if it’s not the full hour it’s bad.”
“Vegetables are good for your body, fats are not…”
Obviously from these two sample statements, you can see that my thinking was (and still sometimes is) flawed. Excessive exercise is not always healthy, and if there happens to be a day when you only get to take a brief walk outside, you should still celebrate the fact that you are moving!
Vegetables are awesome, and taste delicious, but you still need to incorporate lipid sources into your diet in order to have everything function properly!
In life there are shades of gray, because not everything fits into two neatly organized categories. Shocker, right?!
2. Catastrophizing
 
My mom used to say, “Oh CJ, stop making a mountain out of a molehill,” meaning I would typically exaggerate negative outcomes of sometimes pretty minimal situations.
I did this a lot in my recovery….
 
“Oh my gosh, I will follow my meal plan, not run, gain all this weight, get fat and hate myself forever.”
Hmm…sounds pretty extreme right?
Logically I knew my meal plan barely made me gain half a pound a week, I shouldn’t be running because I was in major danger of cardiac arrest, and in my adult life had never been near obese, so I shouldn’t be too worried my body would just skyrocket out of control all of a sudden. Not to mention I already did hate myself so what could be worse than how I felt when I was very sick?
Basically, I was making excuses because I was scared. I feared creating a new healthy life that I no longer knew, mainly because I didn’t like who I was inside, as a human-being. And in all honesty, I would probably ALWAYS view myself as fat, as long as I felt ugly on the inside…
For physical health I knew I had a long way to go, but as far as the mental component, I unfortunately had even farther. This meant I had to let go of the notion that everyone was going to be staring at me like I was a wide-load and just follow my food plan, freeing up my mind a bit to work on what was really important.
Newsflash! Most people are concerned with themselves, their own lives, and are not looking at the bloated belly I was imagining in my mind.
Most people actually wanted to see me get better, and they knew that meant my physical shape would have to change.
I have actually gotten more positive attention now that my body is a bit larger than when I walked around in an emaciated form. And overall I am not as unhappy with my body as I imagined. I wouldn’t go as far to say I like it, because that would be a lie, but I am accepting and ok with the changes.
More importantly than the changes to my body, my quality of life is much better; my relationships are improving, my activity level is able to increase, and I am not a moody beotch because I am starving.
Tons of good things I never even considered are all coming as a result of a few numbers higher on the scale. My world didn’t end because I started eating…in fact, it actually restarted.
3. Linear Thinking
When I first started recovery I thought it would be easy. At that point my feelings were still pretty numb so I wasn’t facing any of the tough emotions that I shoved in the back of my mind for far too many years.
I was also on a pretty low meal plan so I wasn’t gaining anything at all (it could also have been because I never followed the plan anyway) and I wasn’t working, since I was on medical leave, I was making friends, and life seemed ok.
And then it happened…My first therapy sessions where the counselor actually extracted some pretty painful memories from my head and I panicked. This is not what I had signed up for! What happened to smoothe-sailing and getting my life back (minus the weight gain, of course).
Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. And since I got mad at myself for the tears, and having to eat tuna fish sandwiches with actual mayo, I rebelled and just gave up. I stopped seeing my outpatient therapist, half-assed my way through groups, and threw the meal plan out the window.
Recovery to me was over. I tried and failed.
A few months later my family pestered me enough and I tried again; the cycle would persist and I would give up, which continued for another two years.
I never considered that recovery did not work in a straight line.
Why the heck would anyone want to do something with so many highs and lows?! But the more I got angry with myself for having the lows, the worse my recovery would get and I would just stop the process entirely. You have to allow yourself, be patient with the journey, and accept that it might be one of the hardest things you will do in your life….but at least you will have a life, and from what I hear, when you reach a point without so many lows, its pretty darn awesome.
4. Only looking at the numbers.
I always complained that I hated how my team only relied on numerical values to tell them how I was doing.
“DON’T YOU SEE I AM CRYING?! I am letting myself feel! I am trying a dessert! I went out this weekend…don’t you see I am doing better?”
None of those things seemed to matter to anyone, so I stopped letting them matter to me. The scale was the doctor’s way of measuring my progress, so it became mine as well.
…Except higher integers are only ok for so long. Then the games of restriction, corner-cutting and exercise abuse begin again.
Numbers are a major part of my disorder, and something I hope to get away from as I move on in my recovery. I would love if I didn’t feel compelled to weigh myself, count calories, use a Garmin every time I wanted too take a walk or run. How freeing that would feel!
Because everyone else looked past the other milestones in recovery…for example my first Dairy Queen Blizzard since I was in elementary school…I decided they didn’t count and stopped trying to achieve them.
Well you know how some specialists say, “It’s not about the food, weight and calories…“
It really isn’t. I am here to confirm that, because if you ONLY focus on the scale going up, your meal plan increasing, the binge you had last night, the lack of exercise you are allowed to do, you will go nowhere. Your numbers might go somewhere, but YOU, as a person will stay stuck, and that is not the idea behind gaining back your health and your life.
So now that you know all the things that kept me unfortunately trapped in my old habits, I want to share with you some things I changed to move forward…
But for that, you will have to come back tomorrow!
I hope you all have a fabulous monday and come visit me again to see part II :-)
by

Put Those Gloves On!

Like usual, I came home from my weekly nutrition appointment pretty torn. It was my first time seeing her after vacation and I was sure I gained lots of weight from all the indulgences I had and was proud to share my success as far as sampling new things, less feelings of guilt, and actually having fun! But when I got into her office after being weighed, the scale hadn’t budged.

Before you judge and think “Oh my gosh CJ is totally off the bandwagon and is losing control of her recovery,” I want you to read on with an open mind, because this scenario provides important lessons for a journey toward health.

1. It disputes any irrational fear I had about eating like a “normal” person, and including things I still consider pretty indulgent, without gaining 486897464 pounds overnight.

I was pretty free last week. Granted we walked a lot in Disney World, but I still engaged every craving and desire I had for the delicious treats at Food and Wine and the specialty restaurants. There was no restriction, challenge foods were definitely incorporated, and still my weight stayed the same.

When I was really sick, and even sometimes now, I truly believed if I ate a dessert, I would balloon up instantly. There were points where I actually felt like my legs were expanding at the table when I ate. I tricked my brain into seeing the fat building around my mid-section with very single bite. This sounds crazy, right?

It does now! But if you would have tried to rationalize with me a few months ago, I would have thought YOU were the crazy one.

I am not happy that there was no fluctuation in my weight, because as many of you know I have a ton of goals for the next few months that require my body to be healthy, but I did think this proof might be valuable to any of you who struggle with the same fears I once had about overnight weight gain.

Science and biology simply do not allow it to happen. Sure, if you ate 3500 calories in excess to what your body needed to function, you could gain 1 lb in a day, but that is highly unlikely.

I hope you remember this the next time you are having major guilt or anxiety over what you ate, or any meal to come. You DESERVE food; nourishment for both body and soul. It will not hurt you and it will not cause excessive gain. Trust me, and trust your body.

2. Progress in recovery is not always measured by the number on a scale.

Im sure you all know this, and I have discussed it before, but I was fully expecting both Ryan and my nutritionist to scold me for not doing well enough with my meal plan last week.

I did have difficulty keeping track of my intake because I honestly had no idea the values for some of the things I consumed (hello, scary and good at the same time!) and I was ready to come home to an “I told you so” speech from my husband about how I should just eat more, regardless.

But both my dietician and Ryan were still proud of the strides I made outside of a numerical increase.

WHAT!? I didn’t gain so how could they possibly be ok?!

They pointed out some of the positives since my last appointment…

I tried a dessert that was not just a fruit bowl or sugar-free sorbet.

I tasted and participated my way around the countries at the Food and Wine Festival with pretty minimal guilt.

I ate at amazing restaurants, appetizer, entrée and dessert, while completely out of my comfort zone and enjoyed almost every second of it.

I am socializing with friends and family more often.

I did not feel like I had to stay for two hours of zumba because of what I consumed on vacation (aka I listed to my body saying “I am super tired after a few days away and need some rest!”)

I actually used oil to bake and ATE the product.

These may not seem like major things to everyone, but the fact that I actually stayed present on vacation, let myself relax a bit and have a fabulous time, participating and celebrating my anniversary, was HUGE for me.

Although I plan to work very hard and get back on track for my next weigh in, sometimes you have to look at aspects other than a scale increase to determine how well you are doing.

Please do not mistake what I am saying. WEIGHT GAIN IS CRUCIAL at overcoming malnourishment, but to break away from destructive eating habits, the mental and emotional barriers are equally as significant.

So maybe this week I didn’t conquer both, but next week I will.

I am aware of what I need to do, I have goals, and most importantly I have a good attitude.

Will I always? Definitely not.

As you have all seen, recovery is not linear, but as I have said before, by celebrating the small things, and reframing thoughts, it is much easier to continue on a healthy path than by saying “oh man, the scale didn’t move this week so I am a complete failure!”

Nope! It just means I need to put the gloves on and fight. This goes to any minor set-back in life, and that is the biggest lesson of all…

ED recovery can translate into many other hardships; perseverance, maintaining a positive outlook, and pushing forward no matter what, is the only way to get where you want to be.

I plan on doing that…

How about you?

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A Mission For Moderation

I wanted to do a continuation of yesterday morning’s post since many of you had interesting points of view on the decline of our nation’s health.  Pretty much everyone agreed that the shift in family values, and inexpensive cost of “junk” food both attributed to the downward trend, but you also commented about a lack of activity that could easily be to blame, as well. 

I definitely concur with this component, seeing it pretty much on a daily basis, that my students do not make fitness a priority. 

I had mentioned in the comment section that our class only has gym two days a week. Yesterday they were asked to do a five-minute warm-up on any of the cardio machines before they could participate in open gym, or basically do any activity they wanted that wasn’t sitting around. 

The whining that took place, and arguing with the poor gym teacher, about a measly five minutes on either the treadmill, elliptical or bike, was almost unbearable.  They spent more than their allotment of cardio trying to get out of it, than actually moving their bodies that had been sitting for nearly 6 hours before!!

But this topic does not just apply to the youth of my classroom.  My co-teacher readily admits that after getting his kids ready for daycare, coming to school, coaching, or doing some other obligations he has after school, he just doesn’t make extra time for his own work-outs.  And that’s ok.  He is not a lazy guy by any means, but he claims, he wants to be in better shape, cut out the sodas, etc. and just doesn’t prioritize it into his life.

As a society we have a lot going on.  Days are filled with stuff, whether it be work, family, errands, technology, community commitments…sometimes it just seems easier to swing by Wendy’s and skip a thirty minute walk.

Via comments, someone made a suggestion to me when I was discussing my need to exercise on a treadmill  She questioned why I don’t go outside and enjoy the fresh air, or walk to do some of my errands. 

And the answer is I would love to do that! But when I have time to be active is before school when it is dark, meaning I do not want to be alone in the park closest to my house, that is wooded and remote, and kind of scary if you are a lone female at 5:00 a.m.

AND I live in a super rural area.  There is nothing in walking distance of me other than farms, fields, and homes, which I am sure is the case for many of us.

Could I, or should I, break from my habitual treadmill obsession…probably, but it is not nearly as easy to prioritze fitness when I don’t schedule it in the morning.  So you kind of have to do what works for you, which can sometimes be a good excuse for people to not do anything.

BUT there is a flip side to this conversation…

I was talking to my aunt the other night, about how my cousin Skylar was transitioning into 7th grade.  She had pretty many problems with female bullies at the end of last year and I was hoping to hear a more positive report.

Fortunately the cattiness has declined, but she is now having problems at lunch.

What kind of problems?

“The other girls don’t like to eat, because everyone comments on what they have on their trays.  It’s just easier to wait until you get home, or not eat at all.”

WHOA! Hold the phone.

Now my cousin is a little picky…she went through a phase last year where she wouldn’t “eat anything with a face,” and really, there aren’t many vegetarian options at our school, so I can understand her difficulty at finding choices that fit her “lifestyle.” But she could have packed, or there are things like PBJ, string cheese, baked chips, etc.

So the real reason she was uncomfortable in the cafeteria was peer judgment.

I don’t blame her! I still struggle when my kids (or anyone for that matter) make rude comments about my brown bag choices! I told a student last week that he should focus more on himself rather than being so negative to others, and he just looked at me quizzically. 

I wouldn’t want to be the only person eating at my lunch table, if everyone else was sitting there with their bottles of water talking about how the popcorn the school provides will make them fat.  I too was this way in 7th grade, super self-conscious and ultra-selective with my food, but I packed my lunch because my friends were STARVING by 6th period, and usually had a full plate of food.

I would have rather been joked with about my LL Bean lunch sack than the fattening cookie I wanted for dessert.  It breaks my heart that this problem is becoming more and more prevalent because it just sets these kids up for an unhealthy relationship with their bodies, and food, and generates a seriously low sense of self-esteem.  

My point to my little a.m. rant yesterday was not to completely put down the processed food industry, or those who make choices on convenience or economics rather than wellness.  The thought behind it was to promote balance and moderation, something I am REALLY trying to achieve myself.

I like having a salad at lunch, and enjoy some greek yogurt with fruit, but I have found that I also like cookies, crackers, and granola bars, which often come in a package.

I also want to try to get away from such structured forms of exercise.  Physical activity has and always will be a major part of my life, but in the recent past I have completely relied on solitary sessions on cardio machines rather than the hikes, tennis or walking 18 holes, my husband and I used to enjoy.  Maybe I need to shift my schedule in order to make these things happen again, but that is all up to me, the choices I make.

The leaves are changing, and we live pretty darn close to a wooded area that is great to trek through anytime during the year, but particularly in the fall.  I hope to transition to doing more of those types of fitness, and Zumba with my friends, rather than pounding away on a treadmill with just me, my headphones and the 5 a.m. news!

I hope I didn’t come across as accusatory or offensive because I understand the ease of making choices that may not ALWAYS be in your best interest, but I feel that a life of moderation is the best for mental health, which is equally as important, but perhaps less emphasized, as the physical.   

Have a fabulously balanced thursday!

P.S.  On a similar note, check out my guest post on a moderation vacation, as I prepare for our anniversary trip to The Food and Wine Festival in Walt Disney World!

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Times Are Definitely Changing

Last night’s fitblog chat had an awesome topic; how advertising affects the health of our nation. 

Do you think major companies promote their unhealthy products to a point that made the obesity rate soar, our overall concept of health diminish or change, and the life expectancy of the current generation to be less than those of the past?

It was ironic that this was the discussion because yesterday in my Personal and Social Development Class, the kids took turns explaining a typical day in their homes.  Most of them shared they leave home in the morning with no breakfast, or a PopTart while running out the door, barely any contact with their parents, or a negative interaction with a family member. 

They then come to school, hungry, tired, and ultimately mad at their situation so lash out at me, my colleagues, or other students, which creates more anger and resentment because of the disciplinary consequence.  None of these feelings are really about the work they are forced to do, the kid next to them that has the same “kicks,” or the peanut butter and jelly they eat for lunch everyday because that’s all the cafeteria provides for the CLIIP classroom.  Their fury and irritation is at home, and when they were further explained their evenings, I kind of understood why.

Most of them go home, go on the computer, or their cell phones and make plans for the night.  Whenever they solidify a friend or place to “chill,” they leave, and don’t return until 9:00-10:00 PM. 

“What do you do for dinner?” My co-teacher asked.

“Just grab whatever.  There’s usually something in the fridge…you know, pizza rolls, hot pockets, or we get McDonalds or Burger King…man the fries at Burger King are tight.”

Ok, that was my best effort to directly quote what a student says, because usually I need a translator to understand their language, but regardless, most of them were unfamiliar with the concept of a sit-down dinner, home-cooked meal, or family time.

So really, this brings me to two conclusions.

I don’t necessarily blame advertising agencies or massive corporations for corrupting the health of our nation.  I blame the tremendous shift in values within the family unit, and finances.

I am not saying we sat down and ate our meals together everyday when I was growing up.  That would have been nearly impossible with a five-year age gap between my sister and I, the sports practices and club meetings that occurred all year-long, and my mom (and later my Poppy) working random hours because our family owned their own business.  BUT during the week there was always something home-made ready when our individual meal times took place, and at least someone around who asked about our days. 

These kids have neither of those things! In fact, a third of my population is the parental figure for their younger siblings, which is why frozen entrees and fast food are staples in their diets.  They have no one to teach them any differently! 

For this reason I am hoping that I can secure the home-ec room to maybe teach them some simple meals or snacks that require minimal preparation, aren’t super expensive, and have a balanced nutritional profile.  If anyone has suggestions please let me know!  I am hoping the kids will appreciate it.

My second conclusion, the value of a dollar, I somewhat touched on in my post following when I watched Food Inc. 

Junky food is CHEAP!  I am always looking through my weekly grocery-ads and seeing, buy one get one free bags of chips, sugary drinks for a dollar, and frozen pizza to feed the entire family for almost nothing!  No wonder parents chose these options over apples that are $2.50 a pound, or whole-grain snack foods that can be double the BOGO potato crisps. 

I personally feel that you can live healthily on a budget.  After all, we manage to buy produce, yogurt, nuts, cows milk, almond milk, nut butters, lean meats, etc. and stay within my weekly budget, but coupons aren’t typically available for these things so you have to work a little harder to find the deals.  Not to mention I visit farmers markets and a few different grocery stores depending on their bonus card promotions. 

(I also don’t think people consider the long-term costs of poor health…hello hospital bills!  They are wicked expensive!)

All of this probably sounds time-consuming, but we added it up one time and we save an average of $50 dollars a week by taking 2-3 hours out of my life to prepare a list, cut coupons, menu plan, and actually do the shopping. 

I understand that may seem unfeasible for some, and that could be true.  Everyone’s lives, schedules, financial situations, and priorities are different, but going back to the original question, about who or what is to blame for the declining health of our country, it is not fair to completely target corporations, commercials, or gimmicks. 

It is the shift in family values, the hectic schedules, lack of education, easy access to junk, and a slew of other things that contribute to our current wellness situation.

I would love to hear the thoughts of others! I found it really interesting to read the variety of responses generated from the four questions on fitblog chat last night, so it would be great to hear from you. 

Hope you have an awesome hump day!

Look for the WIAW post tonight, featuring a killer dinner recipe!

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Trust-Buster and Personal Growth

You can call me the trust buster. Yup, that should be my name because every time I start doing the right thing…i.e. stop calorie counting, gaining weight, following my meal-plan, opening up in therapy; I decide to do something that can shatter the positive environment I finally began to create.

What does this mean?

I told you yesterday that on our car ride home from the airport Ryan and I started talking about my jogging confession. I could not fathom why he would be upset with me, when I told him the truth, gained the weight requested, and said I was sorry?!

So finally last night, when we had more than half an hour together, and it wasn’t 2 hours past my bedtime, we sat down and talked. Not just about me disappointing him, but a lot of things we needed to catch up on after a week of being away from one another…milestones I made, fun things he did with his brother, our stressors, etc.

But when we did discuss the situation with my nutritionist, the treadmill and my meal plan, I started to understand his feelings didn’t really occur because of those three particular things at all. They were a result of him losing his trust in me, after it had just started to rebuild.

I’m not sure if I have ever disclosed this, but Ryan will sometimes accompany to my therapist to work on communication and express our expectations of one another in a safe place. In our two years of marriage, he has completely abided by his promise to stick with me through sickeness and health, and unfortunately, there wasn’t much health.

He has driven hundreds of miles, slept in Target parking lots, been through hours of family groups, and given up quite a few holidays to accommodate the treatments I’ve needed just to stay alive. He has completely lived up to his end of the bargain (this might be the understatement of the century) and I have not really even participated in mine.

I have lied and told him I was going to the store when really I went to the gym. Convinced him I followed my meal plan and acted so distressed because of all the terrible calories, when I was in reality only having about a third of what was suggested as the minimum. I’ve cut corners, been mean, miserable, and not the most fun partner, and yet I still insisted he treat me as if I were completely normal and physically-well. So of course, when asking for forgiveness, after disclosing about my jogs while he was away, I expected him to be totally fine with it…but his points were, I engaged in a behavior I knew was not approved without asking, did not tell him about it until a few days later, and acted as if nothing was going on the few times we spoke of my progress in his absence.

Newsflash CJ, omission is the same as a lie, and that is a characteristic that only comes out when ED is strong. Under normal circumstances, I can’t lie to save my life. Everyone jokes I couldn’t be a poker player because bluffing would be absolutely out of the question, so since I lied for the first time, in a very long time, and did not have enough guilt to tell him right away, he was obviously disappointment, and I shouldn’t have expected anything different.

The worst part of it is, now that I have started to do the right things, been honest, and stuck to my recovery plan, it’s like I want to be rewarded and praised for every single accomplishment…

“Yes I ate a real egg, so that means I can run on the treadmill!”
“See, I can follow a meal plan, so I shouldn’t have to go see a dietician that often…”
“As long as I am eating the right number of calories than who cares if I measure or eat the same foods everyday!”

None of this stuff is true, you know. In my delusional mind I could rationalize deserving all these things, but as Ryan pointed out, I never provide any ideas for “punishments” or negative consequences if I don’t make a gain, or engage in counterproductive behaviors. I simply imply that things should just go on as is.
But if I really want to get serious, push through the horrific middle portion of recovery (what I like to call the hump) then I am going to have to wade through uncomfortable muck (i.e. feelings, emotions and horrific body image) without using pseudo-ED behaviors to cushion the blows. And if I do resort back to the unhealthy forms of coping, then I should have to deal with the repercussions.

He provided the examples, if I don’t gain, then maybe I need a rest day from physical activity. Or if I can’t follow my meal plan (which has recently been increased so I can add different exercises into the mix) then we should go back to me NOT preparing my own meals every single sitting.

At first I was completely against these thoughts. NO WAY was I giving up a work out if I didn’t gain! But this was like me saying I didn’t believe in myself!
I don’t have to give up my treadmill session if I do the right thing! Or have my food selected for me if I eat the appropriate exchanges. The simple solution here is to DO THE RIGHT THING!…

Keep building the trust I had been working so hard to gain back. The only way to do that, and have people once again have faith in me and my abilities, is to continuously show that I am moving in a positive direction.

A positive direction cannot be achieved by masking my feelings by cooking and hummus salads every day for lunch either. I do enjoy these things, but honestly I need to get out of my box and challenge myself a little bit in order to make progress. Staying in the safety-zone provides comfort, but also is a place to remain “sort-of” sick. And like I said yesterday, you can’t have both…sickness and health is an oxymoron, just the same as an EASY RECOVERY. The words just don’t go together.

So as much as I hated having a newly home husband who was not super happy with me, it also pointed out some other things I needed to work on.

It seems as if these situations are popping up more and more lately, but I have a feeling as I continue to grow, this will happen. As a new commenter said yesterday, and I absolutely loved this,

“It’s not until we can see ourselves as we truly are that we can begin to mold ourselves into who we know we can become.”

Thank you Max! I no longer want to be the girl with an ED, but instead move toward my potential, and that simply cannot happen without some difficult realizations and motivation.

What a way to start the weekend!!! TGIF everyone!!

Who found some motivation yesterday???