Ryan is a fantastic husband.
I don’t say that to brag or make people think, “oh how wonderful for CJ, she has a great man.”
I am saying it now more for my sake, to remind me that although it is important for me to get healthy for ME, it is also important for me to get healthy for US.
He and I are a team and so far I have been a pretty shi*tty teammate in this marriage.
In the back of my mind I knew/know this. The poor thing has put up with me being away from home about half our duration of being husband and wife.
And I have seen him put up with a lot…I mean I seriously tested the limits many times.
I don’t know if I ever told you all this but we knew I was going to Princeton hospital the day before I was actually to be admitted. You know how insurance is, that stuff takes forever.
Anyway, the morning/day before I left I was a freaking nightmare. I knew it was my last chance to use any ED behaviors that caused me comfort. And since my anxiety was sky-high, because I felt like I was being “forced” to go, I of course engaged in them all.
I wasn’t supposed to be running. My heart rate was on average, about a 35-40 bpm and I had some pretty serious cardiac issues, but that a.m. before I was to leave, I crept out of our bedroom, tip-toed out the door, gym clothes discretely packed in a bag, and went to my beloved treadmill.
My gym has a glass wall, basically, right next to the cardio equipment….
So I am running away, only about a mile into my soothing stride, music blaring, thinking how fabulous this all feels, and out of the corner of my eye I see a man with a hooded sweatshirt, sweatpants and a hat, casually stroll by the windows.
He looked at me, shook his head and walked right back to his car, speeding away and not answering a single one of my calls or texts.
I did not get off the treadmill, of course, since I still had about an hour to go, but I did make the attempt to contact him and tell him it would be fine because I was going away tomorrow and it was the last time He would have to worry about any of this…
Was/Am I nuts?
The answer is, ABSOLUTELY!
I also had an incident on our one year anniversary trip that I am not so proud of, which you can read about in my past post “behind closed doors.”
Yesterday Ryan came to have lunch with me at school.
He sat down and sighed.
“What’s wrong hun? Are you ok?”
“No. I am tired.”
I knew what he meant. He wasn’t sleepy tired like he wanted a nap, he was tired of dealing with all that comes with living with me. (I should say merely existing with me)
We don’t go out. I am in bed early. Restaurants are pretty much out of the questions unless I pre-approve them. We don’t have other couples as friends anymore. And we cannot do any of the activities we used to like to do together because most of them involve some sort of physical activity.
I have taken ALL of that away.
Not to mention I look disgusting.
Contrary to what I may believe in my sick and twisted brain, Ryan, and really any other male I have talked to, is not particularly attracted to bone.
It isn’t fun to hug. It is hard to be intimate because the body tends to look more like a child than a woman. Clothes don’t necessary fit right. And sometimes I even look tired and sick, when I am feeling fine.
As you all know the past few weeks I have not done well. I kind of threw my meal plan out the window and just decided to take things into my own hands, which really was not a good idea, and it is starting to show.
For thirty minutes we discussed the frustrations of being a partnership and living with someone who is a pretty sucky companion.
He can help me all he wants. He can do his best to reframe, encourage and support, but unless I actually do what I am supposed to, recovery is kind of a wash.
As one of my commenters pointed out the other day, if I cant do it for me, the least I can do is think about all those I love, who hurt because I hurt, and who seriously just want what is best for ME.
They aren’t being selfish or conspiring to make me fat. They are just trying to keep me alive and give me a quality of life, while putting their lives on hold.
It is a shame I have been too consumed with myself to step up to the plate, but I really really REALLY need to join my team.
Please, someone, something, give me the strength to do so, because although I have spouted out positive words, or written posts about how I am going to change my ways, not much progress has been made.
I need to listen to my own advice…
Stop waiting for tomorrow and do it today, because life is way too short to procrastinate on a task that is SO important.