Tag Archives: Hershey Pantry

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Cheers!

Patience.

Overcoming being sick, and being as unsuccessful as I have been, requires an immense amount of patience from me, my body, my family members, support team, etc.

I am sad to say I feel like my poor husband has had more patience with me, than I am currently able to give myself.

Essentially some days I feel like I am running on fumes, going through the motions of what I know is the “right” thing to do in the recovery world but I don’t accelerate or push hard because I simply don’t have the energy.

Some times I question if I am even doing ENOUGH of the “right” things because my body is physically still very tired.

Saturday night after dinner, Ryan and I sat down for a little post-meal relaxation and although we put on one of our favorite mind-less shows (The guiltiest pleasure ever…MOB WIVES) about five minutes into it we started having a conversation that was much much needed.

I have had a lot on my mind lately that I was really embarrassed to vocalize, and I think he could tell after our brunch out earlier that day.

My friend Lauren introduced me to the Hershey Pantry earlier this year when she organized a blogger meet-up and it has been a local favorite of mine ever since.

Ryan LOVES breakfast food, and the small cafe really does know how to serve some pretty fabulous a.m. treats, so I thought we might try it out to fuel up before a day of boring old chores.

I was craving an egg white omelette with veggies in the worst way, because for some reason, no matter how hard I try, mine just never get as good as when I order them out. And of course I went through my schpeel with the waitress….three egg white garden omelette with no butter, oil or cheese, and a dry piece of sunflower seed toast on the side.

*Now is when you can judge me for still eating only egg whites, vegetables, and a dry piece of bread even though I am trying to recover…

My breakfast was delicious but on our way home I was “crungry.”

This is my word to describe me lately when I am hungry, because I definitely manifest my internal appetite through being cranky…cranky-hungry= “crungry.”

“Do you think I had enough to eat?” I asked my husband when we got in the car.

“What do you think?”

He turned the question back on me because he knows there probably is no right answer.

If I did eat enough it means nothing else was touching my lips until dinner, regardless of what my stomach wanted. And if I didn’t eat enough it could potentially lead to an argument about me never doing anything right, but the truth was, my tummy was still definitely grumbling, and I wanted him to tell me I needed more so I had a sort of permission to eat…

(Obviously at 24 I need someone to tell me it is ok to consume food.)

When we got home I ate some greek yogurt and a handful of almonds because we agreed those components helped make a more well-rounded and appropriate meal. Finally, I felt satisfied.

Let’s fast forward to our 7 PM chit-chat.

“I am often still hungry after we eat….I feel like my body wants too much…I feel like I could eat more than what my nutritionist says I “should…” I feel like I am out of control…”

I continued rambling things off as he just listened and absorbed the fifteen minute rant that just kept coming.

And finally, for some goodness knows reason, I ended with “And I miss having a glass of wine.”

With that he stopped me and he smiled bigger than I have seen him smile in a while.

But let me explain before you think I have an alcohol addiction on top of an eating disorder…

I completely STOPPED drinking when I got really sick. Part of it was because a lot of the medicines I take do not mix well with alcohol, BUT the main reason was because I deemed any form of liquid calories as unnecessary and a waste.

Even in college I never was a huge party-er, nor did I consume a great amount of alcohol in comparison to some of my friends, but I did LOVE a good glass of wine.

The first time Ryan and I went to Europe we were in heaven. The tiny little trattorias that were so proud to bring us tastes of their house wine stored in barrels behind the bar…the flights we shared after touring a private vineyard or going to a ticketed event…

We LOVED experiencing the local flavors and passion that went into each bottle or glass.

We loved being on vacation, totally relaxed, and selecting a different variety every night to toast and sip as a we enjoyed being with one another and counting our blessings for how at such a young age we were able to travel alongside the person we were spending the rest of our lives with.

We danced, we made friends, I was WAY WAY WAY less uptight, and the next morning he and I would go to the gym, rock-climb, mini-golf, whatever else we wanted, because life did not change due to the calories in my one or two glasses of a beverage I liked.

The point really is not about the wine, or alcohol, but more about LIFE!

On our honeymoon, and first cruise through the Mediterranean I was ALIVE.

WE were alive and vibrant as a newly married couple.

When I told him how much I craved a taste of Dave Matthew’s Table Red last week at the Monticello Wine Trail Festival, but for some reason could not even bring myself to letting it sit in my glass, Ryan felt like maybe I am getting to the point where I see all the things I have been missing.

People have told me their turning points in recovery are when their patience wears thin….when they get “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” And for the first time ever, I kind of feel like I am getting there.

I am leaving for Europe in a little over a month.

My family and I are going on our first family trip in years to the Walt Disney World Food and Wine Festival in 6 months.

Damnit I do not want to spend those moments sitting on the side lines sipping water with lemon, envying my loved ones for their genuine smiles and laughs.

I hate that I go through every day being “crungry” because I am mad at myself for NEEDING food.

2,500 calories is not astronomical as I once said.

It may be in the “healthy living blog world,” but for my body, maybe it isn’t.

The closer I come to eating more “normal” meals, like the ones I did in college when I was at a great weight for me, cheering, being active and loving life, not religiously logging calories in a stupid phone app, the more I realize I probably ate even more than 2500 back then and Ryan thought I was sexy…not fat.

The more I give my body fats like guacamole, hummus, nuts and nut butters, rather than packaged puffed wheat and other low-calorie snacks, the better and more satisfied I feel.

I am exhausted of feeling bored and lifeless, and that is why I am so inpatient. Because rationally I do see there is something better out there, but my mental state is taking so long to give me permission to just plunge right in and get there.

Damn you brain, can you please start working more than 10% of the time?!?!?!!

I was fortunate to have a cognitively GREAT weekend, but I need to continue reminding myself of the things I learned to stay on this positive path, because as soon as the negativity pushes in, its like a front that won’t go away.

Sorry for the long post on a monday; I really am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Cheers!

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WIAW: The Non-Traditional Thanksgiving and A Few Days Off

I love that I am two days into the work week, and it is already half way over! Doesn’t a monday off just make the week seem so much more speedy?!

But in addition to the more rapid office hours, it is also time for another fabulous rendition of WHAT I ATE WEDNESDAY!

For those of you who do not know, this tradition was created by the fantastic female over at Peas and Crayons, Jenn, who united the blog world by encouraging us to share our eats, in order to provide and get some inspiration.

As always, thank you for the wonderful idea, and the union of a community!

And now onto the exciting stuff! THE FOOD!

I have told you a few dozen times that my Thanksgiving was a bit different from most because we celebrated on various days rather than the traditional Thursday meal.

Wednesday night we enjoyed a nice,relatively conventional, feast at my in-laws home, which for this year, I only provided a side dish and two desserts.

Our time at my mom’s was nothing at all like a “normal” Turkey time, but more a Mexican Extravaganza, an ice cream bar with all the fixings and a few meals out.

Although I won’t bore you with every single morsel that went into my mouth, I will show you a few of the highlites that I feel are noteworthy.

Easiest Ever Roasted Veggies

In my mix: Yams, baby carrots, asparagus, broccoli, and green beans, sprinkled with some salt and pepper and roasted in the convection oven, 350-400 degrees, until browned (turn a few times), approximately 45 minutes.

That doesn’t even warrant and actual “recipe” because honestly, I change it up every time. Whatever I have in my produce drawer gets thrown into the roasting pan, but these are a few of my favorites.

The sky is the limit, but the important thing is, any combination is nutritious, and delicious!

And then with the left-overs I made this…

Same thing as above, just with an Alfresco Chicken Sausage (SPICY JALEPENO YUM!!!) chopped up, grilled on my grill-pan and tossed in the mix.

I added some ketchup on the side for dipping and it was AMAZING!

And what is dinner without a little “homemade” dessert.

The Most Moist Pumpkin Munchies with Pumpkin Cream Cheese Icing

I completely stole this recipe from Skinnytaste.

Have you ever visited that website?

Not that I condone eating all diet foods, but she has some great lightened up dishes that are quick, easy and crowd-pleasing! Take a peak for some new ideas. I promise it will not disappoint!

And my last dish I made for Thanksgiving, is a Ryan Weaber favorite.

He asks me to make this every, single, special occasion, and although Kraft likes to call it the Peanut Butter Striped Delight, in our household it is simply called;

The Bangin’ Dessert

Ingredients:

  • 35 OREO Cookies, finely crushed (about 3 cups)
  • 1 Stick of Butter
  • 1 pkg. (8 oz.) Cream Cheese, softened
  • 1/4 cup sugar
  • 3 cups plus 2 Tbsp. cold milk, divided
  • 1 tub (8 oz.) COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided
  • 2 pkg. Vanilla Flavor Instant Pudding
  • 1/2 Cup Peanut Butter

Optional Ideas:

  • Instead of Oreos use Chocolate Chip Cookies to make a crust
  • Crush up Peanut Butter Cups, Snicker, or Heath Bars, on top rather than other Oreo Crumbs
  • Pair it with Ice Cream for a super decadent, even more “bangin’” desert, as Ryan says.

Directions:

MIX cookie crumbs and butter; press onto bottom of 13×9-inch dish. Refrigerate 10 min. Meanwhile, beat cream cheese, sugar and 2 Tbsp. milk with mixer until well blended. Add 1-1/4 cups COOL WHIP; mix well. Spread over crust.

BEAT pudding mixes and remaining milk in large bowl with whisk 2 min. Add peanut butter; mix well. Spread over cream cheese layer. Let stand 5 min. or until thickened. Cover with remaining COOL WHIP.

REFRIGERATE a minimum of 4 hours before serving.

Watch everyone’s faces light up as they eat! As well as smile when you have a slice too, of course!

But these two sweet treats I could take or leave….

THIS, however, I seriously wanted to down the whole container.

Trader Joes Frozen Yogurt Pleasantly Tart

Anytime I go to a self-serve frozen establishment, the base of my concoction is always tart.

I mix in other flavors, but for some reason the tang and creamy sensation tart gives me, is just the best. So when my mom asked if I would pick up some ice cream for a “make-your-own” sundae bar after dinner, this had to be in my cart.

Topped with some fresh pineapple, strawberries and a White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Clif Mini chunked up, omg I was in heaven.

Obviously I was very fortunate to have such a fabulous array of eats this long weekend, but the best meal I had was Monday afternoon.

Not because of the meal (although it was delicious) but because of who was sitting across from me.

Even though Lauren and I have only known each other a few months, she has become such a significant influence in my life. She is an amazing friend, positive mentor, and a blast to hang out with.

So between this:

Honey-Lime Chicken, Raisins, Cashews, Apples and Mixed Greens

…and a very nice, encouraging, conversation, Monday’s lunch was extra-ordinary!

I hope you enjoyed a few of my favorite dishes!

Happy Hump Day and remember, the weekend is just around the corner!!!

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Busy Weekend Recap

Yesterday I took a break from the blog (well sort-of :-) ) because I actually had a pretty eventful weekend.

You have to understand, this is pretty abnormal for me because I am very happy putting on some comfy pants when I get home from school and using my days off to catch up around the house, get prepared for the next week, and just relax. 

Don’t get me wrong. I love a good daytime activity but come 9:30 I am SO ready for bed….

Just call me a 24-year-old trapped in a grandma’s body.

Anyway, this weekend I tried to get out of the box a little and say YES to all the things in which I was invited. (See Tessa’s posts if you want further information as to how my brain works because she pretty much hit’s the nail on the head!)

So Friday, after a very long in-service, I came home and did not get into my routine yoga pants, do miniscule amounts of cleaning, or head straight to the couch, but instead made a delicious treat, my very favorite party dip, and headed to my first ever Stella and Dot party.

I had heard of this beautiful jewelry several times from friends, other bloggers, in magazines, and on celebrities, but I had never actually seen the pieces in person.

Um, perhaps I have switched to a shopping addiction because I could have bought the whole darn catalogue. The necklaces, especially, are fantastic! But in the spirit of moderation (holler to recovery translating into everything in life!) I am only buying ONE bracelets, the Tribute Bracelet where some of the proceeds actually go to breast cancer. Don’t you love when you can actually feel somewhat good about a gift for yourself?

I knew Saturday was going to be amazingly fun! Although earlier in the week I had my minor anxiety attack about baked oatmeal I didn’t end up getting (don’t worry I got another challenging plate!) I was really excited to meet some new people and reconnect with old friends.

We met up for brunch around 10:30, and spent a little over an hour just talked, learning things about one another and having a good time. The weird thing about blogging, and most people who haven’t experienced this before usually look at me like I am nuts when I tell them this, but you have an instantaneous bond that makes it feel like you have known each other forever. You can talk fluidly without the awkward pauses. You know names of family members you never met. It’s really special and in the few times I have met up with others that share my hobby, the theory definitely held true.

So in addition to the fabulous females I had brunch with, The Hershey Pantry totally lived up to the hype. As I expected there was a 98746736 hour wait for an inside table, so we ended up sitting on the back porch near a fireplace, staying warm by gulping down copious amounts from this:

Yes. This teapot was like my best friend. I was pretty obsessed with the color scheme and crazy shape that the waitress jokingly told me I could not take it home. Damn because my purse was totally big enough! Just kidding, but anyway despite the chattering teeth I thoroughly enjoyed my oversized veggie omelette and multi-grain toast, with apple cinnamon tea. It was a great fall breakfast that fueled me after I overdid it a bit on the treadmill.

I am not proud to admit this but I think my anxiety from the other day carried over into the a.m., because as soon as I got on my walking machine, I turned on Pandora and just went to town…not tremendously, but still a mile past where I am supposed to stop, and it was my body’s way or rebelling from the fear; A total ED way of escaping.

So couple a relatively high incline with a bit more speed and a few more minutes, my body wanted protein like you would not believe. Omelet sounded fantastic…BUT I will not bypass the oatmeal. Ryan and I already have a breakfast date there next weekend because he was sick of hearing me say how fantastic the menu looked and how delicious my breakfast was.

Baked oatmeal here I come.

Following brunch I headed to Target to exchange something and pick up some dish soap. Does anyone have a similar problem where they will enter the store with a precise list and exit with more than they actually needed?! Me and Target have this problem!

I didn’t spend too much and I did get some supplies we actually could have used, including this:

I use my Camelback every single day for school, every work out, pretty much every time I leave the house. I LOVE it. And Ryan has been asking for one for work so when I saw they had Penn State Blue and a man-friendly black color I bought him two so he could experience the obsession I have with mine.

That little mouth piece makes drinking water so much more fun!

Maybe I shopped a little extra because I was also procrastinating coming home and cleaning my floor? I’m thinking that might be the answer because having three miniature dogs, and a hardwood floor, is not a fun combination, especially when it gets cold out like this because they do not like to go outside to use the bathroom.

But when I got home I knew the kitchen was a priority so I cleaned the floor, whiped down the cabinets, and tidied up a few things I have been neglecting for far too long. I typically operate under the mantra “you can do anything for 10 minutes,” and as today confirmed, it is one hundred percent true.

I have many good qualities, but a love for cleaning is NOT one of them. I am very organized but I sometimes (ok pretty much all the time) live out of laundry baskets, wait until I have six loads of laundry before it actually gets done, and leave things on the counter when I know they should be put away. 

I do my best impression of a housekeeper when I turn on some music and think to myself,

“Ok CJ, you can get your butt cleaning for at least 3 songs.” (or the equivalent to 10 minutes)

And usually the songs pass quickly and part of my tasks are done. I’ll repeat this a few times, maybe not always consecutively, and eventually the house is clean. Try it if you are facing a duty you dread (ahem cleaning the bathroom!!!).

Music + 10 minute small goal = cleaner house

By the time I finished the floor it was time for me to clean myself up and get ready to chaperone the high school homecoming dance. Call me a weirdo but I was actually kind of excited to do this. While most people would not find spending a Saturday night watching high schoolers on the dance floor super appealing, I loved seeing the kids I have in class, putting on a nice outfit, and standing there with my husband reminiscing on our old memories.

I will say, however, that I was SHOCKED at the apparel some of the females adorned going to a school sponsored function…or anywhere for that matter.

Holy shmoly some of their dresses were something you would find in the toddler department!

When I was in school, homecoming meant a longer gown, getting your hair done, having mom put on my make up rather than the sloppy job I usually did, but times have certainly changed, because now its like a competition for the tightest, shortest, most minimal outfit you can find.

Example:

Ryan and I just kept looking around in shock and commenting on the significant difference between our dances not THAT long ago, and now. But we still had a great time and some of the kids looked absolutely stunning.

You may be reading this thinking my weekend does not seem busy at all, but I can assure you, the events that I attended in the last two days are pretty much double what is my norm.

For a while I did not go out AT ALL because it was easier to maintain my schedule, my rules, my eating disorder, cooped up in my house all alone. Slowly I am trying to say yes to more, initiate plans, get out of the living room, and regain my life.

This has actually been a very difficult thing for me to do because I am so self-conscious. All yesterday/last night I kept thinking…

“oh my gosh the other chaperones probably think my dress is stupid.”

“why didn’t I just order the damn baked oatmeal, everyone is going to be so disappointed in me.”

“I wish I looked like that girl.”

Etc., etc., etc.

I can tell when my discomfort level increases because the negative self-talk sky-rockets as well.

I say this many times, but it is definitely worth repeating; anything meaningful takes a lot of effort, and recovery is no exception, but so far, the rewards have made it worth it and provide a definite incentive to keep on truckin’.

I hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!!

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Brunch Buster

I need to interupt my regularly scheduled programming…

In other words, Part II of yesterday’s post, will come later this week. I had to get this off my chest because it has been bothering me immensley since yesterday morning.

Although I have many things to celebrate in my recovery, and milestones I am proud of, one thing I am NOT doing well is staying present, especially in the realm of food.

In fact, I am doing pretty darn terrible with this.

Let me explain….

In theory I have been looking forward to this weekend for quite some time. I mean, compared to other weekends I have some major plans…

Friday I am going to a Stella and Dot party with some of the coolest ladies I know from my Zumba class and Saturday morning I am attending a blogger-brunch at the famous Hershey Pantry with another group of females who I find incredibly inspiring, and absolutely amazing bl-ends.

These things do SOUND fantastic.

But there is a major portion of my mind that is PANICKING to the max (and that might be an understatement!)

The major reason for this insane anxiety is FOOD and a schedule change.

First of all, the get-together on Friday only starts at 7:00 P.M. Call me a complete grandma but if I described the past hmm, hundred or so Friday nights, with a few exceptions I was in some yoga pants plopped down on my couch, exhausted at that point of the evening. Seriously, snack time is around 8:30 and my bed calls my name usually no later than 9:30 so thinking of just starting my night at 7:00 invokes unease.

I’m not super worried about party-munchies because I know I will have dinner beforehand (another grandma-like trait of mine is that I am typically starving for dinner around 5) but the next morning…brunch is nearly giving me a heart attack.

I have never actually been to the Hershey Pantry because every time I have even attempted, the line to get a table was literally out the door (maybe that should tell me something about the quality of meal?) But I have heard rave reviews about their baked oatmeal.

You all know that breakfast is my all time favoritest meal ever, so you would think I would be thrilled to be having brunch at such a well-liked, morning hot spot, and that I would be damn near salivating to try this delectably described pot of oats.

Nope. I am dreading it, and have been since Monday when my very dear friend, Lauren, who has been wonderfully supportive, challenged me to trying the aforementioned baked dish.

YESTERDAY. I have been thinking about this bowl of oats since YESTERDAY. That means it has more than 24 hours of me agonizing over probably a little more than cup of something that thousands of people have consumed in the past.

Why?

I can tell you what my disordered portion of my mind keeps telling me, even though I know you all will combat me saying this is totally irrational…

1. It is brunch! I don’t usually have brunch because I wake up and crave a huge breakfast, especially on weekends! And you have to understand, my wake up time is NO LATER than 6 a.m. It used to be 5, but I was thanking the Lord last weekend that I was able to sleep in for an extra hour, but regardless I get up and am ready for food! My stomach would not possibly let me wait until 10:30 to eat, meaning I will devour my typical weekend ginormo breakfast and then have to face a very challenging second meal in PUBLIC.

2. So it’s not only about the actual food item and schedule glitch but also because I am eating at a restaurant, with some people I have never met. Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled to be hanging out with some of my fellow central PA bl-ends, but I have this ridiculous fear that everyone is watching me when I eat. That they are judging my every move, decision and food I put into my mouth. I truly believe they are thinking,

“Do you see what that girl is eating? Oh my gosh how could she eat so much! Her body doesn’t need that much food. Her body doesn’t DESERVE that much food!”

I can honestly tell you this is what has been running through my mind ever since I got Lauren’s challenge a few days ago, and it has prevented me from enjoying or TRULY participating in things I needed to focus on.

My recovery is pretty much stagnant in these areas; especially social eating and schedule change, and I seriously need to fix it, pronto.

I seem to be doing better when I am on outings with Ryan, or when it is just the two of us trying something new like a late night movie theater date, but I cannot seem to kick my panic modes with other people.

I guess practice is the only thing that will help me get over this, but my goodness, I am uncomfortable. As my therapist used to tell me, if I wasn’t a “10” on the recovery discomfort scale, at least once a day, then I wasn’t working hard enough, and perhaps I have not been evaluating myself properly because this feels like a 6348736.

Sounds like its time for a little PTG to bring me back to earth and a major reframe so I can actually attempt to enjoy the festivities of the weekend. Instead of dreading things I am clearly lucky to be invited to be a part of, I definitely need to appreciate that I am finally making friends, and have the potential to grow as a person.

Easier said than done.