Tag Archives: the help

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Love Myself Monday…Reframing Negative Thoughts and Celebrating Life

I have a confession. With all the rainy weather and being cooped up in the house, I was not dealing with my meal plan well yesterday. I wake up early, around 5:00-5:30, meaning I eat breakfast around that time as well. Then I am hungry at like 10 am for either a snack or lunch. Yesterday goodness knows why but I was craving a sweet potato (which thankfully I had in the pantryJ ) and a nice big salad with shrimp and hummus? Ok, that’s fine, all those things are healthy and all food I can feel good about putting into my body. Well after that I was still pretty hungry so I had a Chobani Yogurt (I bought a pomegranate one for $1 yesterday and apparently my stomach thought I needed to try it!) topped with strawberries, cereal and peanut butter. It was delicious and again, a healthy selection, so I put my mind at ease a little by reading The House at Riverton and making plans with my mother-in law to go see The Help. Well at 1:30 I was again kind of hungry and decided I wanted a snack. I wanted more yogurt, a Thomas Cinnamon Raisin Bagel Thin, Strawberries and Peanut Butter. Please don’t get me wrong. NONE OF THIS IS BAD FOR ME. I need the nutrients and I need the calories to repair the damage I have done to my body, but the fact that my eating schedule was varying from my normal routine was definitely throwing me for a loop. As I sat at my kitchen counter after my latest snack I took a breathe and reminded myself, as I do every day I take a shower and still see clumps of hair in my hands when I wash it, that I still have a long way to go. Rationally, I know all these things, but like I said, the abnormal eating schedule and constant hunger sent me into a tailspin with thoughts like I could never be satisfied and wondering “omg what if its like this all day, and then tomorrow, and forever and I will never be able to stop!”

This is a common fear for those with disordered eating habits. I have had it before and undoubtedly will have it again, BUT the bigger and better point to this post is before I could NOT, under any circumstances, get out of my head during destructive thoughts. I would agonize and plan how to restrict more later or sneak in some exercise. I would berate myself and think of all the things I wanted but I could not have because there was a really mean voice in my head telling me no. At these points I couldn’t decide what was worse…the horrific thoughts in my head or the constant gnawing at my stomach because I was so darn hungry. Many times the bad thoughts won and I did not listen to my body L

But this weekend was different because just as I was about to throw on my Free Runs and hop back on that treadmill I saw a tweet from Caitlin at HTP about her new post. I checked it because I enjoy reading blogs and I think truly believe someone was trying to send me a message that my treadmill ambitions were wrong since I already exercised this morning. And you know what….I was right. Staring me right in the face was an Operation Beautiful message that I needed to see at that very moment. So thank you, very much Caitlin for making me realize my thoughts were not productive and they were keeping me trapped in the cycle of ED.

See that is what happens every time you let an irrational thought, specifically negative-self talk, corrupt your brain…it takes you one step back in your recovery…it allows room for more thoughts to creep in and eventually take over…If I let the bad thoughts stay and impact my behaviors, the next time I have another snack when it isn’t actually “snack time,” I will probably think the same thing and maybe then I will get on the treadmill and hurt myself. The more you fight back against the habitual negative self-talk, the further you progress toward a healthy life. Permitting bad beliefs has always stopped my recovery processes in the past and this weekend, and from now on, I am not going to let it.

Yes I am uncomfortable, both physically and mentally, but if I sit with the anxiety, it will eventually go away. And next time if I do the right thing, and combat these irrational beliefs again, they might start going away all together! In science they call it is called changing your neuropath ways. In order to break a bad habit you need to alter your behavior…essentially train your brain to think and do things differently. That’s what I have to do! Learn to live healthily with balance not obsession! Exercise for enjoyment not over-exertion and the calorie burn. These are all concepts I considered foreign a few months ago, but after a few times of practice, they seemed to become more natural, more comfortable.

So for anyone struggling with negative self-talk here are some things I do to reframe my thoughts. Many are specifically geared around food and exercise, but honestly you could try the technique with almost any form of low-self esteem. I hope they help!

1. Irrational Belief: OMG I am eating so much!

My body needs this right now…the food I am putting in it is necessary for proper function and other things, specifically:

Carbohydrates for energy and to keep my metabolism functioning properly

Protein to build back the muscles I used to be proud of! Athletes need strength and you cannot be strong with no food.

Fats to make my hair stop falling out, my nails to grow, MY BRAIN TO WORK CORRECTLY…

Dairy because my bones are brittle and weak after treating them so poorly…

This is usually helpful when I am struggling with a specific item…for example when I first conquered my fear of fats (nuts, nut butters, etc…all my favorites now J ) I literally had to talk myself through them almost every time. Now I eat them with almost every meal!

2. Irrational Belief: If I eat this _________, I will blow up like a major balloon and everyone will hate me.

There are so many things wrong with the statement above, but yet I believed it for a very long time. First of all, no one item of food, or single day of eating for that matter, causes instantaneous weight gain. A cookie, for example, will not automatically stick to your thighs and make them grow an inch at the table. It takes 3500 calories OVER what your body requires to function on a daily basis in order to gain a pound. Most people stay around the same weight because they eat more one day, and less some others. That is how it works, our body regulates itself when it is within its biologically predisposed set-point range. Not that I condone looking at a caloric needs calculator but if you take a general rule, most women, teenagers and into their 30’s need about 2000-2500 calories depending on their activity level just to maintain…you would have to eat 500 calories over that EVERY DAY in order to gain a pound a week.

By thinking I was gaining weight with every morsel I put into my mouth, was to think I was an exception to science. Am I that special? That science and facts do not pertain to me??? I am special, yes, but not to the point where I have different rules than everyone else. Science is science, numerical facts are typically proven, and often my nutritionist uses charts, graphs, and scientific articles to convince me of my flawed thinking.

Now the second part of the above sentence, “everyone will hate me,” is ridiculous because people who are worth having in my life will not hate me because of a few extra pounds. I have said this before but, many might even like me better because my mind will not be one hundred percent focused on food, never living in the present, and a constantly making me a cranky pants because I am so hungry. Not to mention no one seems to notice the “ton of weight I gained” other than me. Hello distorted body image??

These are more general ways I challenge myself in these, and many other irrational situations, or when having to fight the ludicrous and extremely rigid rules I created for myself…

1. What is more important, being skinny or life, a productive and fulfilling life?

It is no secret that eating disorders kill. It is a sad fact that no one can deny. The statistics are scary and with every day that we/I stay sick, is another day taken from my life. When they are talking at my funeral do I want the eulogy to say, “Yup, she was really skinny and great at dieting.” Or would I want it to say “She did so many good things with her life, had a kind heart, and lived to the fullest!” I personally chose the latter, so I apologize to anyone I am not skinny enough for you, but actually participating in life sounds pretty appealing right now. (I am just kidding…I do not apologize for my appearance at all. This is me, take it or leave it J )

2. What is this really about?

There is probably something emotional, or stressful occurring that negative thoughts are an easy distraction from…I usually evaluate what is going in my life outside food guilt and desires to exercise and many times the root of the problem has nothing to do with these things. When I can pinpoint why I am focusing on myself, food, and weight, I can also determine a much better solution…one that does not harm my body…

3. Reminding myself of all the reasons recovery from an ED and low self-esteem are a GOOD idea…remembering those dark days of my addiction and how miserable they were…

There are a million reasons to name of why recovery is great! Just to name a few…

  • Having REAL relationships again
  • Feeling energetic without excessive amounts of caffeine
  • Getting to do activities you were banned from during recovery (running!!!)
  • Fitting into clothes that actually make you feel good about yourself and that help you look like a 24 year old woman!
  • Gaining back the potential to have children if you want them
  • Having nice hair, skin and nails
  • Being able to smile and truly mean it (many have told me my eyes sparkle when I am in a healthier statement…personally I think that is an awesome compliment!)
  • Being able to go out in public and to social events without having a panic attack
  • Being able to stay present and focus on things you used to enjoy

Etc., etc., etc.

Please, please, please comment with any other things you can think of that make a healthy, balanced lifestyle the best way to go! I know there are a ton more J

And with that have a wonderful start to the week. I am calling today, Love Myself Monday ;-)

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How “The Help” Helped Me

Like most people I know, I absolutely LOVED the book The Help and could not wait to catch it in theaters. I enjoyed the movie, but I am definitely a bigger fan of reading material and it was a little long for my 5 year old attention span. But aside from liking the main content of the plot, I couldn’t help but analyze the characters and discover how their personalities and interactions are very similar to my life and things I have been working on changing…

What I mean is, we have a set of cast members that are completely opposite; one I wish I was and the other the me I am trying to alter in a positive way…

Take Skeeter. She is an independent woman, which was obviously abnormal for the time since everyone was trying to marry her off! And she seeks out a project (for those of you who have not read or seen, she asks the black housekeepers to tell their stories anonymously) that was completely taboo at the time. She and the help had to sneak around, and take extra precautions to ensure that they would not be discovered in their writing. Why? Because in Jackson, Mississippi at that time, they would have been completely shunned, or killed. Despite knowing this, and being reminded numerous times by her friends and family, Skeeter presses on studying, interviewing, and story-telling about a subject she was passionate for. She wanted to free these poor black men and women from the oppression they faced on a daily basis, and she would go to great lengths to do so. Abilene and the other maids are similar to Skeeter because they convey immense bravery and courage. They know the risk they are taking by telling their stories but they also know if they don’t, society in Mississippi would never change.

Then we have Hilly. She is a bully to the max! She bosses everyone around, is extremely racist and if the movie were Mean Girls, she would be Regina George. Despite her rude demeanor and dictator-like personality everyone just follows what she says. They conform to a woman I am guessing they don’t like, but fear her so much they don’t want to disappoint her. If they did do something she deemed inappropriate, not only would they be scorned from the group, but she would make their lives absolutely miserable.

Poor Celia Foote. This woman came from another town and a completely different class. She grew up without many of the luxuries of the main cast of characters and doesn’t really know how to act in this kind of society. She also married one of Hilly’s ex-boyfriends meaning this woman has NO chance at hanging out with the “in-crowd.” Despite multiple rejections she continues to try everything she can think of to become their friend, even when they embarrass her and crush her feelings.

So now that you know a little bit about these people, maybe you will understand my thoughts. I have encountered people like Hilly, bossy ring-leaders who tend to have a group of followers that conform and listen to every word they say, regardless of how they personally feel. It seems easier to please this meanie rather than to become an enemy just so you can stay “cool.” But essentially by appeasement you are letting go of yourself. If you follow “Hilly” you are not abiding by the values you have, or really expressing yourself as who you are. Suppressing your individuality is dangerous because then you sometimes lose it.

This is how I feel. I spent my entire life trying to make everyone happy around me because I wanted to fit in! I wanted to be accepted and loved by everyone, but I eventually stopped loving myself. I barely knew who I was, and if I did know I was ashamed of it. I really identified with Celia because she was embarrassed about her past and her upbringing, that she changed who she truly was in order to be a part and that didn’t end up happening anyway. It wasn’t until she gained some confidence, and realized she was a good person that she found happiness.

In my journey of recovery a lot of what I focus on is building self-esteem and uncovering who I am. Maybe this sounds silly if you are already comfortable with your identity, but after I left college I no longer had stereotypical roles to fill. I wasn’t a cheerleader anymore, or a student who was expected to make A’s. I wasn’t in clubs with automatic friends and others with similar interests. I was just me, CJ, in a whole new chapter of life, where I had to write the story. No more parents, teachers and mentors telling me exactly what to do; I had to form my own routine, values and passions. This threw me for a loop because I thrived on doing what others wanted, having measurable means of success, and having a schedule that was the same every day. When this all changed I got lost and tried to be a chameleon. I molded to every situation I was in so I would be included. Because I was way too insecure of myself and my beliefs that I just conformed. This is not something I am happy to admit because I have always prided myself on being a leader and having a strong core, but somewhere along the line, it just seemed easier to go with the flow despite my true feelings.

So now I am trying to channel my inner Skeeter. I want to do things for me without apologizing every step of the way. I should not have to apologize for who I am to make friends or have people like me. I should be proud and confident because at the end of the day I have to live with the decisions I made and the person I am. There are billions of people in the world. If one doesn’t like me because of what I have to say, or things I believe in, chances are there might be one that does. It had been a long time since I was actually proud of myself but in the past few weeks I have to say things are looking up. No longer do I wake thinking “omg I am a fat loser and no one likes me…I have nothing special to offer the world…blah…blah….blah” I don’t have room in my brain to continue the tape of negative self-talk because I am too busy exercising creativity and discovering parts of CJ that have not been let out for far too long. In all honestly blogging has been a wonderful aid in my journey.  In this community there are so many supportive people and a wide network of others with similar interests and struggles.  I feel like I can identify on some level with most every person I contact, or who contacts me because they are accepting and understanding of the difficulties we/I face on a daily basis.  So my goal for the night, and obviously a lot longer, is to continue the search for ME.  Everyday I want to challenge myself to step out of the conformity box and be CJ.  Do you want to try too?  Maybe you could channel your inner Skeeter, as well?  I am telling you, after seeing that movie I am totally inspired to be more courageous…what a good way to start the week :-)

Are you confident with who you are?

Have you always been, or were there points in your life where you felt like you conformed to what/who everyone else wanted?

by

How "The Help" Helped Me

Like most people I know, I absolutely LOVED the book The Help and could not wait to catch it in theaters. I enjoyed the movie, but I am definitely a bigger fan of reading material and it was a little long for my 5 year old attention span. But aside from liking the main content of the plot, I couldn’t help but analyze the characters and discover how their personalities and interactions are very similar to my life and things I have been working on changing…

What I mean is, we have a set of cast members that are completely opposite; one I wish I was and the other the me I am trying to alter in a positive way…

Take Skeeter. She is an independent woman, which was obviously abnormal for the time since everyone was trying to marry her off! And she seeks out a project (for those of you who have not read or seen, she asks the black housekeepers to tell their stories anonymously) that was completely taboo at the time. She and the help had to sneak around, and take extra precautions to ensure that they would not be discovered in their writing. Why? Because in Jackson, Mississippi at that time, they would have been completely shunned, or killed. Despite knowing this, and being reminded numerous times by her friends and family, Skeeter presses on studying, interviewing, and story-telling about a subject she was passionate for. She wanted to free these poor black men and women from the oppression they faced on a daily basis, and she would go to great lengths to do so. Abilene and the other maids are similar to Skeeter because they convey immense bravery and courage. They know the risk they are taking by telling their stories but they also know if they don’t, society in Mississippi would never change.

Then we have Hilly. She is a bully to the max! She bosses everyone around, is extremely racist and if the movie were Mean Girls, she would be Regina George. Despite her rude demeanor and dictator-like personality everyone just follows what she says. They conform to a woman I am guessing they don’t like, but fear her so much they don’t want to disappoint her. If they did do something she deemed inappropriate, not only would they be scorned from the group, but she would make their lives absolutely miserable.

Poor Celia Foote. This woman came from another town and a completely different class. She grew up without many of the luxuries of the main cast of characters and doesn’t really know how to act in this kind of society. She also married one of Hilly’s ex-boyfriends meaning this woman has NO chance at hanging out with the “in-crowd.” Despite multiple rejections she continues to try everything she can think of to become their friend, even when they embarrass her and crush her feelings.

So now that you know a little bit about these people, maybe you will understand my thoughts. I have encountered people like Hilly, bossy ring-leaders who tend to have a group of followers that conform and listen to every word they say, regardless of how they personally feel. It seems easier to please this meanie rather than to become an enemy just so you can stay “cool.” But essentially by appeasement you are letting go of yourself. If you follow “Hilly” you are not abiding by the values you have, or really expressing yourself as who you are. Suppressing your individuality is dangerous because then you sometimes lose it.

This is how I feel. I spent my entire life trying to make everyone happy around me because I wanted to fit in! I wanted to be accepted and loved by everyone, but I eventually stopped loving myself. I barely knew who I was, and if I did know I was ashamed of it. I really identified with Celia because she was embarrassed about her past and her upbringing, that she changed who she truly was in order to be a part and that didn’t end up happening anyway. It wasn’t until she gained some confidence, and realized she was a good person that she found happiness.

In my journey of recovery a lot of what I focus on is building self-esteem and uncovering who I am. Maybe this sounds silly if you are already comfortable with your identity, but after I left college I no longer had stereotypical roles to fill. I wasn’t a cheerleader anymore, or a student who was expected to make A’s. I wasn’t in clubs with automatic friends and others with similar interests. I was just me, CJ, in a whole new chapter of life, where I had to write the story. No more parents, teachers and mentors telling me exactly what to do; I had to form my own routine, values and passions. This threw me for a loop because I thrived on doing what others wanted, having measurable means of success, and having a schedule that was the same every day. When this all changed I got lost and tried to be a chameleon. I molded to every situation I was in so I would be included. Because I was way too insecure of myself and my beliefs that I just conformed. This is not something I am happy to admit because I have always prided myself on being a leader and having a strong core, but somewhere along the line, it just seemed easier to go with the flow despite my true feelings.

So now I am trying to channel my inner Skeeter. I want to do things for me without apologizing every step of the way. I should not have to apologize for who I am to make friends or have people like me. I should be proud and confident because at the end of the day I have to live with the decisions I made and the person I am. There are billions of people in the world. If one doesn’t like me because of what I have to say, or things I believe in, chances are there might be one that does. It had been a long time since I was actually proud of myself but in the past few weeks I have to say things are looking up. No longer do I wake thinking “omg I am a fat loser and no one likes me…I have nothing special to offer the world…blah…blah….blah” I don’t have room in my brain to continue the tape of negative self-talk because I am too busy exercising creativity and discovering parts of CJ that have not been let out for far too long. In all honestly blogging has been a wonderful aid in my journey.  In this community there are so many supportive people and a wide network of others with similar interests and struggles.  I feel like I can identify on some level with most every person I contact, or who contacts me because they are accepting and understanding of the difficulties we/I face on a daily basis.  So my goal for the night, and obviously a lot longer, is to continue the search for ME.  Everyday I want to challenge myself to step out of the conformity box and be CJ.  Do you want to try too?  Maybe you could channel your inner Skeeter, as well?  I am telling you, after seeing that movie I am totally inspired to be more courageous…what a good way to start the week :-)

Are you confident with who you are?

Have you always been, or were there points in your life where you felt like you conformed to what/who everyone else wanted?

by

Historical Fiction

It is no secret I love to read.  Lately I have been veering toward the genre of historical fiction, but I am running out of books!  The week of the million degree weather the pool was absolutely dead meaning I was one very bored girl.  There is only so much cleaning I can stand and reading is my go-to boredom-buster but I was so disappointed in the last book I started.  So disappointed in fact that I cannot bear to finish it.  I used to believe you have to finish every book you start.  I don’t know if I was worried about hurting the author’s feelings or that I myself would feel like a quitter but I finished some seriously long and horrible books.  But anyway, The History of Love was recommended to me at my local library and I made it maybe 60-70 pages in and just could not get through it.  Someone else may totally love this book…the librarian obviously did, but it was just not for me.  And as I am learning, that is ok.  There is nothing wrong with having likes and dislikes.

On a more positive note there are several books I absolutely LOVE.

1. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

I had been on a waiting list forever for this book.  Every library within my network had a long line of people itching to get their hands on the popular novel so I was thrilled when I received the Kindle for Valentine’s Day!  The Help was the first book I downloaded and I read it in like three days.  I loved the different voices used throughout the plot, transitioning back and forth between African-American housekeepers and privileged white southern housewives.   It may sound totally stereotypical but Stockett’s character Skeeter made me feel really empowered as a woman!  I wish I could be more like her! That is all I will say because I don’t want to ruin the entire thing so if you have not read this, pick it up ASAP! Or at least see the movie that is coming out in August!

2. The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

I read this a few summers ago and although some people think it is too long I thought it was fantastic.  It kind of reminds me of the Da Vinci Code but with more eastern history intertwined.  It is primarily about Vlad the Impaler, the original story of Dracula, but it definitely has some love thrown in to keep it lighter.  I loved this book, but I will let you be the judge.

3. The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova

This is actually by the same author as the Historian but has a very very different plot.  A psychologist is assigned a case about an artist that mysteriously attacks a painting in the National Gallery.  When the artist wont speak but keeps reading a mysterious stack of letters and constantly paints the same woman the doctor becomes more intrigued and takes it upon himself to find out the whole story.  It is definitely not what I expected upon checking this out at the library, but I really enjoyed Kostova’s second work.

4. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

Oh my gosh I love this book! I focused primarily on American History in college and had a special interest in World War II so I have read a zillion and one novels on that time period, but this was definitely the most unique.  I know this is vague but I wont say any more other than the way the author writes kept me wanting more the entire time…seriously do not miss this one!

I only named four but there are so many more amazing books out there.  I will try to update continuously with some of my faves, but since I am running out of ideas for my own personal Kindle collection and library list pleaseee send your suggestions my way! 

Afterall, you can never have enough reading material!